日記/近況2010.04.09 21:39
시간은 느리지만 분명히 가고 있다.


열흘 하고도 하루째. 전과 다를 바 없는 매일의 연속이다. 지루할 정도로, 날짜가 가는 것도 모를 정도로. 평온하고 딱히 큰 사고도 없이 어제와 다를바 없는 오늘과 오늘과 다를 바 없을 내일을 살고 있다.

어제는 도서관에서 근무하는데 어머니께서 주신 반지가 어디에 어떻게 부딪혔는지 밑면이 일그러졌다. 손에 끼고 있는 상태에서 일그러졌다. 내 왼손 새끼손까락에서 흘러내리던 6호 반지가 손에 딱 맞게 일그러졌다. 5호짜리 반지를 끼면 딱 맞을까, 하는 생각이 문득 들었다. 학교 앞 금은방에 반지를 맡겼다. 새끼손까락이 허전하다. 있던 것이 없어지면 마음도 허해진다. 이를테면 연결고리가 사라지는 기분.

밤에는 학교 앞 bar에 놀러나갔다. 한 달 만에 술을 마셨다. 들고갔던 봄베이 사파이어 진. 온더록스. 잔의 1/10은 진, 약 6-7/10은 사이다. 30 seconds to mars의 곡이 좋았다. 집에 돌아왔을 때 오른손 손등에 미약하게 발진이 있었다. 그리고 손가락엔 자잘한 생채기들이 나 있었다. 어디에 긁혔는지도 모르게 다쳤고, 옷깃에 쓸릴 때 마다 따가웠다. 그리고 내 마음이 쓰린 일도 있었지.


18일 까지는 꼬박 아홉밤을 더 보내야 한다.
아홉밤을 나는 또 아무렇지 않게 보낼 것이다.
곁에 없으면 아무것도 못 할 것 같은데도, 의외로 시간은 빨리 지나가고 나 또한 별 탈 없이 잘 지내고 있어서

'그냥 그런 거구나'

하는 생각이 들었다.
이젠 어머니와 아버지의 '별 일 없지?' 혹은 '잘 지내니?'라는 문자를 받더라도 아프지도 속상하지도 않다.
더 이상 거짓말을 할 필요도 없어졌다. 정말로 잘 지내고 있어서, 처음부터 아무런 일도 없던 것 처럼 잘 지내고 있어서 '아무렴요'라고 대답하면서 죄악감을 느낄 이유도 없어졌다.


내일은 화분에 물을 주어야 하는 날이다.


그냥
그렇고 그렇고 그런 것 같다.
과거지사.

Posted by Lynn*
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日記/近況2010.04.04 10:38

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의지할 곳이 없어진 기분.
억지로라도 웃고 있을게, 그러면 되는 거지?



좀 쉬어야겠다.



Posted by Lynn*
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Jag är besviken och väldig mycket upprörd.
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Hur kan du svika mig?
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Skäms du inte?



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그건 그거고.
속은 여전히 계속 안 좋고
(아마도) 앞으로도 계속 안 좋을 예정.

난 정말 죽지 않으려고 최선을 다하고 있는데
어떻게든 (약속이니까) 살아있으려고 최선을 다하고 있는데.


어제 밤엔 정말 슬펐다.
그랬던 밤.
Posted by Lynn*
TAG 愚痴
Scrap/Book2010.03.21 19:05

The hills across the valley of the Ebro were long and white. On this side there was no shade and no trees and the station was between two lines of rails in the sun. Close against the side of the station there was the warm shadow of the building and a curtain, made of strings of bamboo beads, hung across the open door into the bar, to keep out flies. The American and the girl with him sat at a table in the shade, outside the building. It was very hot and the express from Barcelona would come in forty minutes. It stopped at this junction for two minutes and went on to Madrid.

“What should we drink?” the girl asked. She had taken off her hat and put it on the table.
“It’s pretty hot,” the man said.
“Let’s drink beer.”
“Dos cervezas,” the man said into the curtain.
“Big ones?” a woman asked from the doorway.
“Yes. Two big ones.”

The woman brought two glasses of beer and two felt pads. She put the felt pads and the beer glass on the table and looked at the man and the girl. The girl was looking off at the line of hills. They were white in the sun and the country was brown and dry.

“They look like white elephants,” she said.
“I’ve never seen one,” the man drank his beer.
“No, you wouldn’t have.”
“I might have,” the man said. “Just because you say I wouldn’t have doesn’t prove anything.”
The girl looked at the bead curtain. “They’ve painted something on it,” she said. “What does it say?”
“Anis del Toro. It’s a drink.”
“Could we try it?”
The man called “Listen” through the curtain. The woman came out from the bar.
“Four reales.”
“We want two Anis del Toro.”
“With water?”
“Do you want it with water?”
“I don’t know,” the girl said. “Is it good with water?”
“It’s all right.”
“You want them with water?” asked the woman.
“Yes, with water.”
“It tastes like licorice,” the girl said and put the glass down.
“That’s the way with everything.”
“Yes,” said the girl. “Everything tastes of licorice. Especially all the things you’ve waited so long for, like absinthe.”
“Oh, cut it out.”
“You started it,” the girl said. “I was being amused. I was having a fine time.”
“Well, let’s try and have a fine time.”
“All right. I was trying. I said the mountains looked like white elephants. Wasn’t that bright?”
“That was bright.”
“I wanted to try this new drink. That’s all we do, isn’t it - look at things and try new drinks?”
“I guess so.”
The girl looked across at the hills.
“They’re lovely hills,” she said. “They don’t really look like white elephants. I just meant the coloring of their skin through the trees.”
“Should we have another drink?”
“All right.”
The warm wind blew the bead curtain against the table.
“The beer’s nice and cool,” the man said.
“It’s lovely,” the girl said.
“It’s really an awfully simple operation, Jig,” the man said. “It’s not really an operation at all.”
The girl looked at the ground the table legs rested on.
“I know you wouldn’t mind it, Jig. It’s really not anything. It’s just to let the air in.”
The girl did not say anything.
“I’ll go with you and I’ll stay with you all the time. They just let the air in and then it’s all perfectly natural.”
“Then what will we do afterwards?”
“We’ll be fine afterwards. Just like we were before.”
“What makes you think so?”
“That’s the only thing that bothers us. It’s the only thing that’s made us unhappy.”
The girl looked at the bead curtain, put her hand out and took hold of two of the strings of beads.
“And you think then we’ll be all right and be happy.”
“I know we will. You don’t have to be afraid. I’ve known lots of people that have done it.”
“So have I,” said the girl. “And afterwards they were all so happy.”
“Well,” the man said, “if you don’t want to you don’t have to. I wouldn’t have you do it if you didn’t want to. But I know it’s perfectly simple.”
“And you really want to?”
“I think it’s the best thing to do. But I don’t want you to do it if you don’t really want to.”
“And if I do it you’ll be happy and things will be like they were and you’ll love me?”
“I love you now. You know I love you.”
“I know. But if I do it, then it will be nice again if I say things are like white elephants, and you’ll like it?”
“I’ll love it. I love it now but I just can’t think about it. You know how I get when I worry.”
“If I do it you won’t ever worry?”
“I won’t worry about that because it’s perfectly simple.”
“Then I’ll do it. Because I don’t care about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t care about me.”
“Well, I care about you.”
“Oh, yes. But I don’t care about me. And I’ll do it and then everything will be fine.”
“I don’t want you to do it if you feel that way.”

The girl stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and she saw the river through the trees.

“And we could have all this,” she said. “And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.”
“What did you say?”
“I said we could have everything.”
“We can have everything.”
“No, we can’t.”
“We can have the whole world.”
“No, we can’t.”
“We can go everywhere.”
“No, we can’t. It isn’t ours any more.”
“It’s ours.”
“No, it isn’t. And once they take it away, you never get it back.”
“But they haven’t taken it away.”
“We’ll wait and see.”
“Come on back in the shade,” he said. “You mustn’t feel that way.”
“I don’t feel any way,” the girl said. “I just know things.”
“I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to do------”
“Nor that isn’t good for me,” she said. “I know. Could we have another beer?”
“All right. But you’ve got to realize - “
“I realize,” the girl said. “Can’t we maybe stop talking?”
They sat down at the table and the girl looked across at the hills on the dry side of the valley and the man looked at her and at the table.
“You’ve got to realize,” he said, “that I don’t want you to do it if you don’t want to. I’m perfectly willing to go through with it if it means anything to you.”
“Doesn’t it mean anything to you? We could get along.”
“Of course it does. But I don’t want anybody but you. I don’t want anyone else. And I know it’s perfectly simple.”
“Yes, you know it’s perfectly simple.”
“It’s all right for you to say that, but I do know it.”
“Would you do something for me now?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
“Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?”

He did not say anything but looked at the bags against the wall of the station. There were labels on them from all the hotels where they had spent nights.

“But I don’t want you to,” he said, “I don’t care anything about it.”
“I’ll scream,” the girl said.

The woman came out through the curtains with two glasses of beer and put them down on the damp felt pads.

“The train comes in five minutes,” she said.
“What did she say?” asked the girl.
“That the train is coming in five minutes.”
The girl smiled brightly at the woman, to thank her.
“I’d better take the bags over to the other side of the station,” the man said. She smiled at him.
“All right. Then come back and we’ll finish the beer.”

He picked up the two heavy bags and carried them around the station to the other tracks. He looked up the tracks but could not see the train. Coming back, he walked through the barroom, where people waiting for the train were drinking. He drank an Anis at the bar and looked at the people. They were all waiting reasonably for the train. He went out through the bead curtain. She was sitting at the table and smiled at him.

“Do you feel better?” he asked.
“I feel fine,” she said. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I feel fine.”


 

Open

Posted by Lynn*
日記/近況2010.03.18 19:54

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"Que suis-je pour vous?"
"Tu es ma raison d'être"


지난 화요일 이었던 것 같다. 내가 묻자 그가 그렇게 답했다.
어떻게든 강해져야 한다고, 어떻게든 열심히 살아야겠다고 생각했다.

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내일이 지나면 다시는 지금처럼 웃지 못하겠지.
변하지 않을 것 같던 많은 것들이 변하겠지.

내가 두려워하고 있는건, 나 혹은 너, 혹은 우리 둘 다 어떤 형태로든 지금과는 같을 수 없다는 사실. 그리고 혹은 그 이상의 것. 결코 마주하고 싶지 않은, 그런 것.
오늘이 지나고 내일이 지나면 우리는 어디쯤에 서 있게 될까.

죽지 않기 위해 노력할게.
열심히 목숨을 유지하는 것, 그게 내가 할 수 있는 최선이 될지도 모르겠어.
3월 말에 다시 만날 땐 부디 웃는 얼굴로 마주하길 빌게.
아마도 어쩌면 우리는 내일도 웃고 있겠지만,
결코 내일의 웃음이 전과 같지는 않을거야.


많은 것들이 전과 다르겠지. 결코 같을 순 없을거야.
카프카가 말했던 "어느 지점"은 어쩌면 내일일지도 몰라.
아마도 우리에게 평생 남게되겠지. 그리고 나, 혹은 우리는 한없이 그 지점에 도달하게 되겠지.

네가 말한 "이렇게 만들어 미안해"란 말을
나 또한 네게 하게될거야.
이러려던건 아니었건만 이렇게 되어버렸어. 정말로 미안해.


Posted by Lynn*
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